A friend, I will call Jeanette, recently shared a personal story with me about her rededication of her life to her religious beliefs. She said she felt like she was having an out-of-body experience as she watched her body walking towards the minister in front of the mega-church congregation.
I was touched that she trusted me enough to reveal this personal experience. We had never spoken much about religion. Politics yes. Business, of course. God, not so much.
On the phone, she spoke softly about how her daughters and son-in-law were with her for that walk of faith.
I wished we had been face-to-face when she opened up to me to speak of such a precious event. To see the look of zeal and conviction in her eyes. To watch her hands and arms showing how she lifted them in surrender to God. I wondered, if as she spoke the words, did she have tears in her eyes?
What happened next is all my fault. I said, “Oh I know exactly how you feel” I interrupted her account of that big day.
I launched into a story about my own out-of-body spiritual experience. Why did I interrupt such a precious moment? Why could I not silence my own self-centered thoughts and just LISTEN! Silence would have shown how much I treasure our friendship. Listening is a gift we give to those we love.
She patiently stopped and let me chatter. However, our perfect moment was over. We will never share a moment in time like that again.
How many times do you make the same mistake? When your adorable seven-year-old comes running to tell you of the race she won on the playground, do you pause and take it in or say, “Tell me later honey, I have to make dinner.”
Or when your spouse wants to discuss some credit card charge on “meaningless junk” and you give him a look of frustration. You are daring him to continue.
None of these behavioral examples indicate the individuals have a clue about the most important communication admonition…
Listen Carefully! And its corollary, Care Fully when you Listen!
Six tips for better communication skills.
- Focus 100% on the other person when he or she is speaking.
- Stifle your brilliant retorts and remain in the moment.
- Concentrate not only on the words said, but how they’re said. Are they soft as a whisper? Do they have a tone of aggression and anger. Or are they loud and passionate?
- Observe body language. See what the other person’s eyes tell you. Do her hands speak volumes with clenched fists? Or do they rest quietly in her lap? Each gesture carries power and can reinforce or contradict the words spoken.
- Eliminate distractions out of a courtesy to the other person. Turn away from your computer. Don’t be tapping on the keyboard. Close your door to avoid outside interruptions.
- Give the other person the same respect you’d want to receive.
I teach workshops on communication and negotiations. The most important part of any conversation or negotiation is listening to the other party and really hearing his or her wants and needs. If you are a negotiator, reread these communication tips and see if they could improve your negotiations skills.
Remember, everything is negotiable if only you ask!